365 days later and I'm still thanking you.

I've learned that sometimes our lives have to fall apart so we can put it back together the way we want. Sometimes it takes events that we are faced with that make us dig our heels into the ground and cling on to what we truly believe in, for me that is my faith. My faith in myself and my faith in God. It hasnt always been like that until this past year. The combination of the both have worked wonders in my life and sometimes I think to myself that its pure fucking magic how it can all come together when you least expect it too. I have a really bad habit at times falling into shit but have the ability to come out smelling like roses. Just when I thought I hit rock bottom in my life I've heard the voice in side my head say "Keep going" That voice doesnt come around often but when it does, we should pay attention to it. I know for a really long time I ignored it. I pushed it away. I was angry and I had a lot of internal things I was trying to sort out. I didnt care about myself nor did I really care about others. On the outside, you would of never of guessed I was dealing with this internal hatred that I was feeling. We can all act but at the end of the day we have to go to bed with ourselves. The voice inside that we hear sometimes is our spirit. Some peoples spirit have been burned which makes it difficult to hear during painful times.

365 days ago my life fell apart. I mean that in a emotional and spiritual standpoint. I hit a really low part in my life that I never want to revisit. Emotionally I truly believed I had it all. Looking back on it now it was nothing but denial and insecurity. Those two emotions can play some nasty tricks on us. For the ones who know what I am talking about, thank you very much for being in my life during that difficult time. For those who don't, keep on reading. In 2010 I was faced with a lot of different obstacles in my life. To give you a little background I was engaged to the person who I thought I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. I thought I had someone who was my best friend. That all was just my vision and not hers. During that time I was unhappy with myself, I was struggling in more than one way financially. Sometimes we fall in love with the wrong people. We know they aren't right for us but we fall for them anyway. They are the people that give us trust issues. The ones who wreck us and make it hard to believe that we are wanted by someone else. They have "Red Flags" that we over look. We want to try and "fix" them but know that we cant. You convince yourself that its not that bad but deep down we are changing our core beliefs and molding into someone completely different. I was that person. I molded myself into someone that I hated. You can only run from yourself for so long until the rest catches up and when it catches up, you better be prepared. I was caught with my pants down around my knees!
In all honesty, 365 days later I wish I could thank her. She did a lot of good for me. She helped my face my own demons in my life that I was dealing with. She gave me the courage to face them. She taught me how to love someone and she taught me what it was like to deal with a heart breaking. She made me realize what I want and dont want in a partner. I know when I do eventually find someone I will not allow myself to jump into a relationship just because they are showing me attention. It will have to be for the right reasons. They have to be right for me. I do think that Everyone needs to have their heart broken just once. Nothing more than that though. The emotions that I faced during that time period literally brought me to my knees but they didnt break me. They made me stronger, wiser and smarter. I do know that the next person who I give my heart to will be thanking her also. Until then, Enjoy what you have and make sure its for the right reasons because dealing with a heart break is probably one of the most challenging things a human being can be dealt. If it does happen. Keep your head up and listen to that voice inside your head. The spirit will guide you through all along if you allow it.
May the joy be with you.

Humility and the walls around us.

Have you ever wondered what life would be like if we were a little more honest? Maybe we could change the way we feel about ourselves. Maybe we could admit to ourselves that we have been wrong. I've been wrong in my life many of times, I've made stupid decisions that have altered the way I look at situations but I have always admitted when I was wrong. If we were a little more honest with ourselves maybe we could forgive someone who has hurt us in the past who made a mistake. Maybe we could let go of our anger or hatred we have bottled up. Its only hurting us more. Maybe we could find the courage we are looking for to leave someone who is abusive. Have you ever met someone who no matter what, has to be right all the time? It makes me wonder why they have to be right. They are fueled with a vengeance to put their opinions on you. Who wants to be around a person like that? I'd rather meet someone who is able to tell me they were wrong than have someone tell me a lie just because they want to be right in their own head. Sometimes its okay to admit we are wrong. There is a big difference between someone who knows they are right and someone who assumes they are right. The latter one will do anything to make sure they are right. They will lie to you. They will talk behind your back. They will hold you back in life. These are not the kind of people who you want to associate yourself with. The sad thing is, the more we take a step and look who we associate ourselves with these types of people are in our lives daily. They may be a boyfriend/girlfriend. They may be a parent. The boss that makes you hate your job. Human relationships can be tough to digest at times. Sometimes we become comfortable with people in our lives when we are screaming in the inside the exact opposite. They may affect us negatively but we still keep them in our lives because we are afraid of being alone. When we are lonely we reach out for anyone to give us attention. . Have you ever met someone who came into your life who had a wall up? you know something is bothering them but how dare ask them whats wrong. They are full of anger and sadness of what has happened to them. You try and ask them but they shy away from the truth. They are afraid of being honest with themselves. I find that its hard to be honest with myself. Its a daily struggle. Its a lot easier to do something half assed than to do it the right way. There are many reasons why we put walls up to keep people out. Sometimes its because we have been hurt by an ex boyfriend/girlfriend.It makes it a little more harder to open up. Sometimes its what our parents have said or not said. It could be something that someone did to you 10 years ago. I've come to realize that our thoughts and feelings often get hurt and it takes a lot of undoing to make it right. I know We put up walls because we have been hurt in the past. Its like we want people to prove to us that they arent going to hurt us. Sometimes that makes it a little more difficult instead of taking someone for who they are. Theres a big risk in doing that but if that person has integrity and courage then they are in your life for the right reasons. Its hard because we have make judgements every day about people. The next time you meet someone, listen to that voice in the back of your head. Its always right.