Hard work

I look back on my life and I finally see how far I have come. I can finally say that I am happy where I am at. I do know that I will be faced with challenges in my life but the lessons that I've learned in the past have taught me to deal with situations so I do not make the same mistakes in my life. When you make the same mistakes over and over again you never truly allow yourself to learn from that mistake. I know that I'm never going to allow myself to jump into a relationship due to past behaviors. (Most of you know what I'm talking about) Sometimes when you are faced with adversity in life you learn to accept that everything isnt going to be the way that you want it early on.   We often try and hold on to the past, the good times, the bad times and everything in between. The funny thing though, the past doesnt necessarily have to define who we are as a person. Yes, it has a major role in how we handle situations but if you learn to be flexible in life then situations should be easy to deal with. Let go of the hurt, the pain and the frustrations because it will just eat you alive. We all have baggage but it all depends on how much we want to pack and carry with us. When we are faced with some adversity it makes you appreciate everything positive in your life that you have.  If we had it our way the whole time then life would be pretty boring. I know I dont want a boring life. I almost welcome the sign of a struggle. Not because I enjoy them but because it reminds me that I am only human and I do too myself have emotions.  I dont know about you but I've always learned something positive out of something that was weighing me down at the time. The most important lesson I've learned recently is too not be in such a hurry. Slow down and enjoy life for what its worth. When you rush things in life, you try to bend the pieces until you fix them exactly how you want them. Life isnt always about being the pieces I'm learning.  I'm not going to allow a negative situation define who I am. I've done that before. I made a whole life out of negative thinking. You get what you put out there. Life is way to short to be unhappy.  If we knew how the whole plan was going to be then we wouldn't have to work for what we wanted. Everything would be given to us. The sad thing is though, a lot of people just expect things out of life. I've worked really hard to get where I am and I find it frustrating when I see people just expecting things to be handed to them. Hard work does eventually pay off.  If we lived our lives knowing exactly what was going to happen to us then we would now what was going to happen to us. We would know who we were going to marry. We would know where we would want to call home. We wouldnt be afraid of accepting people into our lives because we would we would know that they would never hurt us.  When I look back on my life, I understand that nothing is perfect nor the friendships I have in it. I do know that I value those people in my life and I know that everyone has some sort of story to tell. Those stories add depth and value to the friendship.  I dont have a lot of money nor do I own a house or am I married but I can say that all that will come in time. True growth comes when we accept that we cant control everything we want out of life. We are always going to be faced with some time of adversity in or lives. The best part of life sometimes is just learning how to ride the wave until it crashes. When the wave crashes is when you have to get up and keep on moving. Life is full of struggles, theres no question about that.  Enjoy what you have. Someone else is always fighting much harder to survive than you.

I will not fear

Fear.

"a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid."

We all feel it, Some more than others. Its tucked away deep inside. Its the place where we hate going but often find ourselves. Its something that drives us and its something that haunts. It keeps us from loving and it has the ability to tear us apart. It makes us angry and we have a tendency to blame it on other people when it arrives It controls the way we feel about ourselves and the people who we interact with. Fear has a way of keeping us from growing emotionally, physically and spiritually. Fear controls us emotionally in many ways. We experience something traumatic in our lives and the fear keeps us from healing. Fear controls us physically we have to push ourselves during a workout, to run that extra mile, or do the extra 20 pushups or deadlifts. The "Church" tells us to fear god even when God is in us, around us and works through us. Fear is the unbelief. Its the opposite of believing in the good. Fear keeps away the important things we need in our lives, like love. I've met a lot of people in my life and I've sensed fear when interacting with them. We fear people who are powerful, people who use fear to control us, like politicians. We get stuck in our careers because we fear change, even though its a guarantee that the job we have now wont be around more than a couple of years. We are afraid to taking risks, like starting our own business when it has been a goal for a long time. We fear Doctors because we are afraid of hearing certain news that may bring us to our knees. We wake up every day with a sense of sadness because we are afraid of change in our lives. The sad thing is, the majority of us all fear a lot of things in life. Fear is something that drives me in my life even though I know better. I never knew how much I was afraid of fear until I started to pay attention to what I am really afraid of.. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of disappointing others that I care about in my life. I'm afraid that as hard as I try it will be never good enough for myself and others. I'm afraid of falling in love again. I'm afraid that showing to much emotion as a male is looked at being "weak" when I believe showing emotion takes a lot of courage. I know there are a lot of things in my life that I am afraid of and if I wasn't honest with myself then I wouldnt have these feelings I'm having. I;m learning how to accept my fears and look each of them in the eyes and know that they wont control me. We are here not to be afraid and live in fear but to live life full of joy. Where ever you are in life, always remember when you fear something, acknowledge the fear but dont hold on to it because having a little fear in our lives can actually do us good. Its done a lot of good for me. I leave you with a poem.


Dear Lord,

I will not fear my darkest hour

For me, the Devil, he holds no power

God’s Son is my fortifying power

To Him, I release my cares

I do not worry about tomorrow

Legions of Hell cause me no sorrow

The strength I need, from Jesus, I’ll borrow

As God discharges all my fears

I know not what comes on tide

If it be smooth or bumpy ride

But my Savior knows and He’ll provide

Every little thing I need

And for you I openly pray

That He is with you all of this day

Put God first, and He will say

“My child you are my seed!”

Are we missing the point?

Life..

What is it to you?

I dont know about you but sometimes I think we are miss the point about what its really about. Sometimes I feel like we get caught up on the shit that just doesn't matter. You know the stuff that we really cant take with us when we kick the bucket. The stuff we carry inside us that holds us back. I know I am guilty about it from time to time but lately I've been asking myself do I live a meaningful life? Have I achieved everything I have said I wanted to do? I have found out that life isn't about being angry about the things we have missed out on. I have come to accept that. To me, life is about accepting the challenges that we are faced with, no matter what they are. I think within the last two years, I'm finally shaping into the person I've always wanted to be and getting there has been interesting to say the least. I know inside my head I struggle with the fact that I have a really hard time not comparing myself to others around me, and I bet you have the same problem as well. I know deep down that I am doing the best I can with what I have been given. I know in my life that things happen just the way they should of. I wasn't supposed to marry the person I was engaged too. I wasnt supposed to receive a job offer from the company I wanted to work for when I was out of a job. Sometimes negative things happen to us in our lives that actually benefit us in a positive way. Imagine that. Think about it for a second, I bet there was something negative that happened to you that you have come to realize that your life would of turned out completely different if had happened the way you wanted to at that time. There are somethings in my life that I have learned to accept and that is things always work out how they are supposed to and everything is going to be okay. It always is isnt it? I wake up every day trying to inspire the world around me. I do it in the way that I write, and the way that I take my photographs. You can tell a lot about sometime by the way they write. They are the thoughts/and emotions that come together to form the words you are looking at right now. I know sometimes I wonder where I get my passion to write because I reread some of the things I've wrote and I question if from time to time, did I really write this? There are billions of people in this world and we all have the ability to create the world we want around us. We attract things in our life that we think about.Sometimes people miss that though and they wonder why they are so angry with how their life has turned out. They go their whole life trying to figure it out. I have a job that takes me to a lot of various places around the country and challenges me emotionally and sometimes physically. I come in contact with a lot of different people. Its amazing how much you can learn about someone just by reading their body language. I have a habit of walking by someone when I am in an airport and asking to myself if they are happy. Its amazing when you can sense someones energy without even saying a word to them. You know, its that vibe you feel about someone when you first meet them. I am beyond blessed and grateful that I have had the opportunity to see some of the things I have seen. It makes me truly appreciate life. Sometimes I forget the true meaning of life though. Honestly, what is the true meaning? Is it the liquor for some people? is it the paycheck you take home every two weeks? is it the person you are with but don't love because you are just "comfortable" with, Is it the the hatred you have inside with yourself? The shit that we are faced with in our own personal lives sometimes can make it hard to wrap our head around. Its the shit that makes you question if there really is a God. I'm not here looking for a handout. I can tell you from my 27.5 years living on this planet that life isnt easy. I've been to some pretty dark places in my life that I never hope to return to but I believe those places have made me the individual I am today. So what type of life do you want to live? Remember to always find the good in someone and hold them to that standard. Challenge them, and inspire them because you may be the person that they need in their life.


In Nomeni Patri Et Fili Spiritus Sancti.

Connectors.

Have you ever met someone in your life and knew instantly something about them was different. They talked to you in a way like they already knew you. You felt like you could tell them anything and never hesitated opening up. You often struggle to pinpoint their type personality because they don't match any personality that you are familiar with but they tend to carry themselves in a way that makes you gravitate towards them. They make you want to be a better person than you are today. They have a welcoming sense to them. They are the ones who are somewhat misunderstood. They know they have a hard time fitting in with the "in crowd" and tend to have a hard time adjusting to what society tells them to do so they are used to doing things by themselves. They have been faced with some type of adverse situation in their life that separates them from the norm. The are the ones that you tell can tell your whole life story to without them judging you in a way that makes you feel less of a person. This type of person prefers smaller more intimate groups. They almost come across as a loner but the more you get to understand this person, they are leaders. They are leaders because they know they are different from the norm. They are used to doing things by themselves. They have a way of empathizing with people who may be struggling because they have found themselves struggling in life as well. This person is around us every day but they are often hard to find because they are typically reserved and dont go out of their way but once you interact with someone like this you know that the game of fate brought you together. These people we interact with dont stay long in our lives though. They stay for just enough time to help us understand who we are. This type of person I am describing is known as a connector. I am a connector. We have an ablity to connect and identify with many different groups of people. We have a unique way of telling you that everything is going to be okay no matter what you may be faced with. We have been faced with adversity in our own personal life along the way that makes us stand out. We know that the spirit of god is in us and around us which is why we have the ability to relate to someone who may be dealing with adversity themselves. The next time you meet someone who may be a little unique take a second and get to know them. They may be the person who is hear to show you who you are.

Rigmarole.

Rigmarole-

1. A lengthy and complicated procedure.

2. A long, rambling story or statement.

I hate you.

I hate how I've let you control me in my life..

I hate how I've let you win.

I feel empty when I am defeated by you.

I wake up every day and I wonder what you'll say to me.

Its a constant battle with you. Like a jump rope. Up down, Up down.
I go months and months without you making youre appearance and then you pop back into my head with a vengeance. You've allowed me to push people away. You helped me ruin a perfectly good relationship. You are the reason why I am still single. I'm afraid to get into another relationship even though I'm begging for someone to come into my life. Often, I hear you tell me that I;m never going to be good enough. Theres no need to try your best. It doesnt matter. I hear you tell me that shes way out of you're league. I hear you tell me that you will never break the shyness.. You've made me who I am. The good, and the bad and the ugly. You are the reason why I get weird looks when I dont speak in groups. I've accepted you in my life. I know that you arent going to go away anytime soon. We all have the voice I hear inside our heads. Some know how to ignore it better than others and some dont. I struggle with you every day.

365 days later and I'm still thanking you.

I've learned that sometimes our lives have to fall apart so we can put it back together the way we want. Sometimes it takes events that we are faced with that make us dig our heels into the ground and cling on to what we truly believe in, for me that is my faith. My faith in myself and my faith in God. It hasnt always been like that until this past year. The combination of the both have worked wonders in my life and sometimes I think to myself that its pure fucking magic how it can all come together when you least expect it too. I have a really bad habit at times falling into shit but have the ability to come out smelling like roses. Just when I thought I hit rock bottom in my life I've heard the voice in side my head say "Keep going" That voice doesnt come around often but when it does, we should pay attention to it. I know for a really long time I ignored it. I pushed it away. I was angry and I had a lot of internal things I was trying to sort out. I didnt care about myself nor did I really care about others. On the outside, you would of never of guessed I was dealing with this internal hatred that I was feeling. We can all act but at the end of the day we have to go to bed with ourselves. The voice inside that we hear sometimes is our spirit. Some peoples spirit have been burned which makes it difficult to hear during painful times.

365 days ago my life fell apart. I mean that in a emotional and spiritual standpoint. I hit a really low part in my life that I never want to revisit. Emotionally I truly believed I had it all. Looking back on it now it was nothing but denial and insecurity. Those two emotions can play some nasty tricks on us. For the ones who know what I am talking about, thank you very much for being in my life during that difficult time. For those who don't, keep on reading. In 2010 I was faced with a lot of different obstacles in my life. To give you a little background I was engaged to the person who I thought I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. I thought I had someone who was my best friend. That all was just my vision and not hers. During that time I was unhappy with myself, I was struggling in more than one way financially. Sometimes we fall in love with the wrong people. We know they aren't right for us but we fall for them anyway. They are the people that give us trust issues. The ones who wreck us and make it hard to believe that we are wanted by someone else. They have "Red Flags" that we over look. We want to try and "fix" them but know that we cant. You convince yourself that its not that bad but deep down we are changing our core beliefs and molding into someone completely different. I was that person. I molded myself into someone that I hated. You can only run from yourself for so long until the rest catches up and when it catches up, you better be prepared. I was caught with my pants down around my knees!
In all honesty, 365 days later I wish I could thank her. She did a lot of good for me. She helped my face my own demons in my life that I was dealing with. She gave me the courage to face them. She taught me how to love someone and she taught me what it was like to deal with a heart breaking. She made me realize what I want and dont want in a partner. I know when I do eventually find someone I will not allow myself to jump into a relationship just because they are showing me attention. It will have to be for the right reasons. They have to be right for me. I do think that Everyone needs to have their heart broken just once. Nothing more than that though. The emotions that I faced during that time period literally brought me to my knees but they didnt break me. They made me stronger, wiser and smarter. I do know that the next person who I give my heart to will be thanking her also. Until then, Enjoy what you have and make sure its for the right reasons because dealing with a heart break is probably one of the most challenging things a human being can be dealt. If it does happen. Keep your head up and listen to that voice inside your head. The spirit will guide you through all along if you allow it.
May the joy be with you.

Humility and the walls around us.

Have you ever wondered what life would be like if we were a little more honest? Maybe we could change the way we feel about ourselves. Maybe we could admit to ourselves that we have been wrong. I've been wrong in my life many of times, I've made stupid decisions that have altered the way I look at situations but I have always admitted when I was wrong. If we were a little more honest with ourselves maybe we could forgive someone who has hurt us in the past who made a mistake. Maybe we could let go of our anger or hatred we have bottled up. Its only hurting us more. Maybe we could find the courage we are looking for to leave someone who is abusive. Have you ever met someone who no matter what, has to be right all the time? It makes me wonder why they have to be right. They are fueled with a vengeance to put their opinions on you. Who wants to be around a person like that? I'd rather meet someone who is able to tell me they were wrong than have someone tell me a lie just because they want to be right in their own head. Sometimes its okay to admit we are wrong. There is a big difference between someone who knows they are right and someone who assumes they are right. The latter one will do anything to make sure they are right. They will lie to you. They will talk behind your back. They will hold you back in life. These are not the kind of people who you want to associate yourself with. The sad thing is, the more we take a step and look who we associate ourselves with these types of people are in our lives daily. They may be a boyfriend/girlfriend. They may be a parent. The boss that makes you hate your job. Human relationships can be tough to digest at times. Sometimes we become comfortable with people in our lives when we are screaming in the inside the exact opposite. They may affect us negatively but we still keep them in our lives because we are afraid of being alone. When we are lonely we reach out for anyone to give us attention. . Have you ever met someone who came into your life who had a wall up? you know something is bothering them but how dare ask them whats wrong. They are full of anger and sadness of what has happened to them. You try and ask them but they shy away from the truth. They are afraid of being honest with themselves. I find that its hard to be honest with myself. Its a daily struggle. Its a lot easier to do something half assed than to do it the right way. There are many reasons why we put walls up to keep people out. Sometimes its because we have been hurt by an ex boyfriend/girlfriend.It makes it a little more harder to open up. Sometimes its what our parents have said or not said. It could be something that someone did to you 10 years ago. I've come to realize that our thoughts and feelings often get hurt and it takes a lot of undoing to make it right. I know We put up walls because we have been hurt in the past. Its like we want people to prove to us that they arent going to hurt us. Sometimes that makes it a little more difficult instead of taking someone for who they are. Theres a big risk in doing that but if that person has integrity and courage then they are in your life for the right reasons. Its hard because we have make judgements every day about people. The next time you meet someone, listen to that voice in the back of your head. Its always right.